Mirage
by GossipQueen2000
Summary: He didn't get to be arrogant and demanding and she wasn't going to stay around to explain why messing with peoples head was not ok. But did he care, or was she seeing what she wanted to see? and what about her, did she actually care? or was it just someone else feelings she was feeling? Thunderblink
1. Chapter 1

Leave.

She just has to leave. That's the only thought that keeps repeating in her head as she stomps away from John and through her portal.

She's spent all evening stewing over what she heard yesterday morning and later saw in that abandoned warehouse. The cloud of pink, dreamers misty eyes her presence and then John.

Even now just the though of him has her stomach dropping but unlike before the images that have been plaguing her shift quickly and leave her with an after taste of bitterness, defeat and shame.

He knew.

She had suspected it before; his eyes searching hers after he got out of the car, the way he held himself rigidly since the incident, the forced smile he'd send her way every damn time their eyes would meet across the room. He. Knew. And now to have it confirmed and then promptly brushed aside; it hurt her more than she ever wanted to admit, more than she ever would.

There had been a nanosecond, in which she had hoped that he had no idea when Dreamer had first confirmed her fears. A half a day where she waited for him, anyone of them really but him, to say something, anything; to offer an apology or an explanation. But the rhythm of the day had swept everyone up as more refugees had arrived and she had been pulled by Caitlyn to help Lauren and Andy with the wounded and before she knew it, the sun had begun to set and she found herself plopped on the couch with Zingo by her side.

And then he had come in with his arrogant ass request looking all polite and cautious in that tight stupid shirt that seemed to barely fit his ridiculous arms and never seemed quite buttoned; looking at her with those stupid puppy eyes and for once she had been pissed off enough to push all that side. He may be hot but he was just as stupid if he thought she wouldn't care to bring up his silence. And to say it was complicated? That was just humiliating. Just say no, it wasn't real, "there was nothing special about it Clarice" how hard could it fucking be to say that? Why give her that sliver of hope that her heart clutched too! Thank fucking god her bruised pride and ego were what driving her right now. She lands in the clearing just past the creek behind the compound were she took Zingo every time he seemed too restless. Maybe Zingo can be her happy thought she thinks which brings a half smile to her face but it doesn't last long as John's face again rushes to the front of her mind.

The worst thing is that its not even the memory clip, hasn't been for days, every interaction, every look she's been hyper aware of him and that's how she caught that look back at the warehouse. The leaves rustle about her and the wind picks up and she realizes she has no jacket or supplies and she needs to get her meager stuff from inside. John will be leaving the compound soon, she heard dreamer mutter about the danger of his "volunteer vet work" late last night and it pisses her off that she knows his freaking schedule. She'll give it a couple more minutes and then zap back in grab her stuff and leave. She doubts John will have shared her absence yet.

Not that they would care if they found out, at least no further than to think bummer there goes our perfect escape rout. Did they know? The entire teams silence causes doubt and a different sort of hurt somewhere in her mind. The fact that it does hurt makes her more mad cause till a week ago it was just her and her alone. They fucking made her believe that maybe, just maybe she'd found a place to bunker down, people to bunker down with. Now she couldn't help but question on whether or not the others knew and if they did then her blood is pumping enough for her to take on all of them. Did Marcos know? Lorna? The Struckers? She's emotional enough that a second portal back into the second floor of HQ comes easily to her and then she's rushing toward her room. It's late and people are beginning to wind down but she feels beyond energized. Did they know?

They all did she thinks, they must have. Even her own "kind" had no plan but to use her for all she's worth she seethes and she will make them all pay for invading her the way they had. She will hurt them for making her feel this vulnerable she swears as she stomps her way down the hall. She swore to herself when she first escaped her hell hole that she would not become someone else's tool ever again and for them to misuse her trust like this; she can't help but shake her head at her own idiocy for trusting them so quickly. She had people she needed to fin, especially because she had no answers, no clues. John at least had everyone here and god only knew how many out their who were all trying to help him; an entire family of friends while she had been trying for years to find a hint about where she came from. She should have known better and god only knows what else they may have done, the thought causes her loud step to pick up in speed as heat rushes to her face. She has no qualm about tearing this place apart, brick by brick-

"Shhhhhh"

The sound whips out from a corner and bounces around the walls, halting her in her tracks. Someone hushes at her a second time as she passes one of the many rows of huts set up for the ever growing number of refugees that have been streaming into the safe house and while she whirls to give the accuser a piece of her mind and a taste of her wrath she freezes when her gaze locks with an exhausted mother, gently rubbing circles on her daughters back. A pair of big brown eyes peak up at her from beneath a layer of worn blankets that once had stars strewn upon them, and while the curious eyes look at her with a mixture of curiosity and awe, small fingers tug and twist at the corners of the blanket.

They both look worn, tired beyond belief and seconds away from collapsing; but more than anything they look relieved and its that relief that makes her plans to level this stupid joint falter. The mother gives her a half smile and while Clarisse wants to smile back, her lips refuse to move. She tries to swallow but the righteous fury that had seemed so inevitable in blowing over everything has now shrunk to tight ball that seems to have lodged itself deeply in her throat. The little girl with the big brown eyes gazes begins to loose focus, as her eyelids slowly start to droop as she looses the battle to sleep. A final sigh and a gentle snuggle towards her mother and the little girl's body signals defeat while a kiss placed on her head seals her fate.

Her heart falters. The lump in her throat grows heavier and expands settling on her chest.

The mother straightens her girl's blanket and after a moment reaches over to the bunk beside her and places a second blanket on her child. Clarice watches with awe as she straightens the blanket and after moment settles over on the bunk she had just plucked the blanket up. She reaches back in an effort to settle in when suddenly her gaze snaps to Clarice who hasn't moved an inch from when she entered and her look causes Clarice to nearly stumble.

She looks at Clarice with worry and concern filled with tones of compassion and tenderness and things that Clarice has never in her life seen directed at her in her life.

"Are you ok?" the women's voice is so soft so quite that for an instant Clarice thinks she may have imagined it but the women is still looking at her with the same eyes and so Clarice finds herself opening and closing her mouth trying to find words to alleviate the weight that seems to be clouding the look pinning her down.

But she cant speak or even utter a sound for the lump that settled somewhere deep within her is now trying to claw its way out and no matter how much she tries to stiffen the trembling of her lips or the tears that she feels welling up just of the surface she knows that she has moments if she's lucky before she looses control. And so desperately trying to remain calm and not cause alarm she nods her head and looks away from the foreign gaze. She spots a pile of blankets on the floor below from her vantage point and with the abundance of emotions she waves her hand and opens a small hole next to her, down below a purple gape opens by the pile of blankets, and she reaches in and grabs a blanket, before waving again and making the hole disappear.

She steps up to the mother and offers her the blanket and the woman who is looking at her with a more concerned look tentatively reaches out and grabs a hold of the offering. But before Clarice can let go she asks one more time in her soft voice "thank you; but are you're ok sweetie?" and its with a force that she never knew she had that Clarice firmly presses her lips together, still feeling them quiver and gives a small smile and nod before rushing out of the hallway, into her room, which she shares with six other people, before climbing out of the window and onto the roof. Her breath is coming out in short breath and her heart is beating fast in her ear and she's not sure what's happening but her pressed lips are not strong enough and the trembling causes them to fly open as a sob escapes her. Her hands fly up to try to suppress the strange noise that just escaped her but they too are shaking and with her back to the side of her bedroom window another sob escapes her And the pressure behind her eyes well up and tears begin to flow. And for the first time in thirteen years Clarice Fong begins to cry.

The moon is high in the night sky before the tears stop flowing. She's made sure to keep quite but the tears and the shuddering she hasn't been able to control and now, as the tears ebb away she feels lighter, lighter than she has in year.

She's been on the run for so long that feeling perpetually exhausted, hungry and weighed down is as familiar to her as normal probably was to the Strucker kids. But these past few weeks, she'd started to feel normal again. As though there was a chance that her life might have chance at a routine if nothing else.

Seeing that mother and daughter though that hit her hard. She hadn't lied to John when she'd said that she had people to find. Nor had she lied she said that she had never loved anyone. She'd been used for so long that trusting anyone romantically had always been a struggle, not foreign but a struggle. There had been a guy few years back that she'd traveled with for a bit and while he'd never meant anything to her more than a travel companion, he'd been the first person she shared herself with by choice.

It was the familial bond that she'd never had or experienced or hell, even seen. She's been nine when her father took her to the crack house the first time and sold her for a hit but even before then she remembers being locked for hours in the bedroom of run down motel. When she'd been twelve, in a fit of rage and drunkenness her father had revealed that he'd actually bought her from her family who had been about to kill her to hide their shame of having a "deformed" child.

"$25 dollars" he'd crowed slurring his words and heavily leaning on a couch to stay upright. "Fucking best $25 dollars I ever spent" and she had believed him until she'd found an old newspaper clipping two years later that had led her to believe that her family may actually be out there and looking and she had left. It's been more than a decade now of trying to stay alive and finding answers and still she was no closer than she was back then.

But looking at the way that mum had tucked her daughter in. The way Caitlyn seemed to have the need to always know where her children are to be able to breath. She can't help wonder again for the millionth time, from the moment she knew what a mom was, what was so wrong with her that she never deserved even an sounds of that caring sort of love in her life.

She wakes with the sun and shuffles back into the house, still in a foul mood. But this time its different than before.

She's mad at herself.

Mad that even for a moment she foolishly thought that she, the most unromantic individual in the world, had had a- a- John in her life.

She should have known that these emotions were not for her. That women like her did not inspire anything tender in others, especially men like john, especially not love. And that's what had been in his gaze, in that stupid memory that had nearly driven her to brink of insanity. His gaze had held love and for one senseless moment she had been foolish enough to think that it was directed at her.

For her.

She should have known better, known that girls like her were for seedy men and women who paid especially to be with a "Muty". That she was just a "side show track ho with her own built in specialty" as one madam had called her and that it didn't matter how old or how fucking young she was they'd all look at her with that sick twisted desire that was rooted in nothing but making her feel small and making them feel victorious.

She'd thought he was different. That they were different. Except that wasn't it cause while yes they didn't want her like that, or for that they still wanted just a specific part of her, her powers this time and who cares about the person they came with, the mind and hopeless heart attached to those powers they'd just override any part that didn't do as they wanted. Her father had used his fists and flexed his muscles every time she hadn't want to paint her face and go out and the underground? Well, they had their own sort of muscle that they flexed. She had left thirteen years ago when she had been tired enough of the punches and the backhands and the groping hands that had been the rotating hell hole of her life since she remembered. She had left that and she was not going back. Even if she couldn't stay at the one place that had felt most like home in all her life; leaving behind the one person who felt like home or at least used to.

 **AN: I have not written anything in month and then this show comes on and it's like I can't not write so here we are. I'm not sure where the show is taking them, and tbh I'm not exactly sure where Thunderbird is on his feeling for Clarice but I love the chemistry between him and Clarice so what can I say, I'm writing again. This story is un-betad so any mistakes please let me know. Also anyone know what the name of the invisible dude from the bar is? I started writing this when the sneak peak for 1x06 came out and then I saw the episode and this is my version of 1x06. I will be updating pretty rapidly and the whole should be up before 1x07. So drop me a line if you are intrigued and want more or if you want to gush about the show *Cough* Thunderblink *Cough*or just tell me how horrible of the story this is. I love reviews. and so yep, cheers lovelies- GQ2000**


	2. Chapter 2

She wants to leave.

Has to and she does pack her meager things in small ragged backpack that has definitely seen better days.

But before she can leave there is a ripple of news that goes through the hideout, by the time it reaches Clarice the actual news is as unfathomable as a message in a child's game of telephone and yet it manages to turn her blood into ice" John…. Bomb…volunteer work… MIA"

And just like that her anger and resentment take a back seat. She wants to throttle John for sure but she's the one who gets to do it; not some racist bastards and definitely not Sentinel Services. She's not sure exactly how she manages to make her way to Sage and the intelligence room but when does, she's greeted with images of car explosions, clips of a man yelling at John and John, their cool, happy go lucky yelling back. Jumbles of voices seep through as the anchors on TV give play by play of that morning's event.

" Rogue wolf incident…..tragedy…with several veterans hurt"

"Is he answering?" Lorna's voice is steady but she's biting her nail and Marcos looks pissed as he shakes his head and ends his call when it goes to voicemail before punching in John's number again all the while muttering curses in Spanish.

"Reed, Andy and you have to hit the road. Look we'll take care of John but this distraction may be what we need for you guys to hit that building with the least amount of problem. Plus John was in Virginia that's six hours away in the opposite direction" Lorna is rambling, clearly nervous but set in the plan she's putting forth. Marcos however is shaking his head in frustration as he ends and redails the phone again.

"Its not like you can travel anywhere right now, remember? You're the newly escaped fugitive, who by the way is carrying our child. Plus people will be freaking out and someone has to stay behind and keep them calm." Marcos mutters, ending and redailing again all while Lorna mutters profanity under her breath.

"I Suck at making people feel better, that's-" Johns name dies on her lips as the news cuts to a picture of two jeeps rushing through back streets as the anchors explain that the veterans did not stick around for the police who need to question them in order to have a "Clear picture of what took place" as the screen splits into four people to debate the event, with only one a mutant sympathizer, peoples panic begins to rise.

In the background Caitlyn is trying to calm a crying Sonia and Clarice is now feeling a sense of Deja vu as images of John, of him sitting behind the desk smiling at her, of him talking with her after her incident, helping her practice with her stupid donut and yes even their last fight come streaming into her vision. She shakes her head and looks at Sonia but the women is far too distress to form coherent sentences let alone invade her mind but the images rise in Clarice's mind again and again and this time she feels herself grow resolved.

Johns in danger and she needs to help.

Memory or not, look or no look, John's bailed her ass out more times than he should have and while she will make him suffer for his callous attitude about what they put her through and more importantly make him, them understand that she will not be down for any more of this memory messing crusade or be even sticking around for them to use; she needs to get his ass back here alive before anything else.

"Sage, what was your last contact with him?" her voice reaches the computer girl who seems happy to have clear question as the murmur of panic rises in the background.

"Around 10 this morning he was going to pick some supplies on the way back and wanted to know where would be the best place to purchase them without detection."

"And where was he when he was calling you?" Sage tries to answer but the murmur of panic is beginning to rise to a crescendo and its distracting enough that it causes Marcos to plug one ear with his finger and press the phone more firmly to the other as he paces out of the room with Lorna hot on his heels.

"What will we do?" one person asks

"How much you want to bet sentinel services has him?"

"Have him? You mean have they killed him?" Its Wes who voices the assumption they're all worried about and its that statement that causes Sonia to cry harder and for Caitlyn to usher her out of the room.

"They have him for sure, they'll break him and then they'll find us all" another voice despairs and suddenly the panic goes full blast.

"They'll find us all on their own if you guys don't pipe down" Clarice's voice whips through the air and suddenly everyone's looking at her like they expect her to do something and fuck if she has a clue what to do to help them and where the hell is Lorna when she needs to be here dealing with this. But then her eyes land on the little girl from the night before and this time it's her who gives Clarice a small smile and Clarice can feel herself smile back. She owes John and he built this place from nothing so she'll be damned if she's going to sit back and to watch crumble when he's not here for a single minute. Plus she cant really breath right now, not properly and her finger twitch as though they need to reach out for something or maybe someone whose just out of their range.

"What do we do?" the question comes from Shatter and Clarice takes a deep breath as she look at the screen and sees the shaky footage of John protecting a women as a blast goes off.

"We cant just wait around" this time its Andy Strucker's voice who pipes up before the crowd can get too rowdy and his statement is followed by a murmur of assent. And Clarice decides that they're right.

"You're right we cant do nothing and you all are right that if John is compromised we all may be in danger but he matters to all of us so we cant just leave him out there to dry" She feels like she could hear a pin drop and yes she's not a team leader, hell not even a team player but if they don't do something sh- they might loose john.

"Look we have two big problems right now. One, we need to find John and two, we need to secure this location. I don't know much about the underground networks but I know we need to be prepared so… let's pack up and be prepared in case of an emergency evacuation. If we all just leave now we'll just put everyone at more risk." She's grasping at straws here, making it up as she goes because god knows she's never had to worry about anyone but herself. But that's what she would do if ever one of her holes was in threat of being found, she'd get everything together to bounce in case her worry was actually realized and by the looks of the crowd people seem to agree as heads are nodding.

"She's right. If we suddenly flood the streets all together the chances of us being found triples" Sage rattles next to her "it's better if we prepare to evacuate in small numbers rather than large group.

"Plus John might show up and if he does we're risking everyone because we're worried something might happen" Reed Strucker adds and Clarice can almost feel the panic that had griped the room loosen a bit.

"But say we're right. Where do we go? Evacuate where?" Shatter and Sage share a glance and Clarice instantly realizes that John probably had an evacuation plan in place but his main people are questioning weather this is a worthy enough emergency to pull out the big guns and while her heart wants her to scream at them that this is in fact an emergency her mind tells her that this might not be big enough to pull out the big guns just yet.

"What about the city hall and the old hotel?" its Joy one of the younger mutants who has practically grown up on the compound, with vivid orange hair and silver eyes its not hard to see why she's not ventured too far from the safe house.

"We've been prepping them incase new refugees arrive. We can split up, that way even if they do hit here, the number of people who'll have to make a real emergency evacuation will be lower. Plus we wont be so concentrated in one location"

"So who goes?" Wes asks

"How are we going to get there?" Lauren adds on because while that's a good idea and both locations are about ten minute drive its not like they can parade

"We'll take the truck and ask invisible dude to make a couple of trips" Clarice offers and while its shitty that she can't even remember his name she has bigger issues right now and considering invisible dude just nods and moves over to their resident truck driver he must not have minded much, but they don't have much time.

"We should make small groups that would have the best chance of survival on the streets should they have to fully relocate but are cohesive enough that they would not draw too much attention. A combination of defensive, offensive abilities with similar features to pass as family, as those are 60% less likely to get stopped" Sage list requirement sound lengthy but everyone knows better than to question them, plus they have no time.

"Reed, Shatter split people in-in groups of four or five; six at most. Try to keep the groups balanced. Once you do Sage will go over each group to ensure that the groups have the best statistical chance of surviving if they have to hit the street. The rest of you start getting your things together and once you're assigned, remember this: your group is your family and no matter what you don't leave anyone behind and you don't separate. Now lets move people" Its not the most rousing pep talk but, she's been given worse and its all she got right now, plus with everyone springing into action they must have gotten the gist of the situation.

"I can help them assign the groups now" Sage suggests to her as everyone begins to filter out and Clarice surprises he by nodding to her suggestion.

"And you will just as soon as you tell me what's the most likely place John is right -now and what's the probability of me getting him out of there alive"

AN: Hi lovelies. Thank you so, so, SO MUCH for the reviews I loved them! Really please drop a line let me know what you think. I realy do love reviews would love to get more!

To the lovely reviewer who asked about my OQ stories I am embarrassed to say I'm still working on them and thank you so much for sticking with me for so long I don't know what I've done to deserve wonderful reader like you but yeah working on it *pinky Promise* also defs start watching this show I am so hooked its ridiculous. I saw this fic mentioned on tumblr in a post and I couldn't handle it for a good two hours but yep. I think they'll be two more chapters and just remember this 1x06 remix, sort of and the aim is to get it all up before 1x07 sneak-peeks come out. Love you lovelies and don't forget to review-GQ2000


	3. Chapter 3

"Don't worry I'm sure your friends will get us out of here" Gus throws the comment over his shoulder at John in a comforting manner.

"Yeah, that's what I'm worried about" is all he can mutter because while he wants out of this hellhole, he doesn't want it at the cost of his friend's lives. Lorna is pregnant and she's no good with out Marcos, plus shatter and sage are needed the most at HQ and Clarice... John doesn't even want Clarice within ten feet of here because already cops are swarming and she has the most distinct features with her indigo hair and those damn bottomless, beau- big eyes. She'll be the most easily identifiable one. Just thinking of her and all he can see, is those eyes smiling at him, teasing him, giving him some smart ass respond that's just too damn witty to not smile at.

Except the last time he'd seen them they were guarded so high that he couldn't read her at all and what he could see were betrayal and anger. He had wanted to shake her because this thing they did was war and no dreamer shouldn't have done that but shit even now he couldn't come up with an alternative plan; But they should have told her, right away.

That's where they had really messed up. He knows he should have gone straight to her and told her, should have just put it out in the open. She had called him a user and he had lashed out because he knew she had a point and that had made him just feel worse. So no he doesn't want her within 50 miles of here; he's already hurt her enough. He wants her far away; somewhere safe where no one and nothing can even upset her, let alone hurt her.

Complicated.

He can't help but snort. It sounds bad even to his own ears now but he's not sure if he could have given her better answer.

Its not like he could have said "Yes that look was real, but don't ask me what it meant cause I have no clue because everything I was sure about, every rule and belief and guideline I had disciplined into myself goes out the window when you're around. And I can't trust myself when it comes to you because I have no clue what I'll do and exactly how far I'll go to keep you safe and happy." He can't help but drag a hand over his face, he sounded pathetic even in his own head, because he wasn't this guy. This romantic hero and he's pretty sure that Clarice herself would rip his head off if she found out that he wanted to bubble wrap her up. After letting her spirit animal beat her up he thinks with a smile on his lips.

"Man this not the time to be dreaming about your girl and here Regan was worried about your loyal puppy dog bringing you down" Gus makes the statement with a shove and John can't help but push his hair back in frustration. Now was not the time for Gus to bring in Sonia.

"I told you Sonia and I broke things off a while back" he expects that to be the end of it except Gus is not done and genuinely looks at him confused

"Sonia? I meant Clarice. Regan meant Sonia" and Johns head snaps in his direction so fast Gus is holding his hands up before John can utter a word

" Easy man, easy. She's the one you've always been muttering about. Since that chick walked in every other sentence I get from you is about her. I figured if she's on your mind so much something is going on. I mean all this talk of 'training' come on bro we served in the marines not a monastery " but John looks at him like he's lost his mind and Gus's face morphs first into surprise and then a full on laugh and John's not sure what his friend finds so damn funny but knows that its directed at him and he's not in the mood to be laughed at right now. He shoves Gus, because a punch from him would cause more damage than anything else, but Gus is now on a roll.

"Wait, wait so all these texts about 'Clarice this and Clarice that' you're telling me that all you've gotten is a few training sessions. Oh man! Johny boy you've got it bad"

"Shut up man, I care about my people. Sue me for trying to help" John snaps back but there is no real bite into it partially cause Gus's laugh is infectious and partially because he is extremely aware how screwed he is when it comes to Clarice though he is not ready to admit it.

"Help? John we text everyday and I'm pretty sure I can pinpoint the moment you met Clarice because every convo since then, you've brought her up. But come on man you're our lady-killer. I've seen the way girls fall over themselves for you. Are you telling me you haven't even kissed her?" Gus is searching his friends face for a hint but rather than a hint of embarrassment all he sees is …Pain?

"John come on man I was joking" he goes for humor and John smiles back but he's never been an actor and Gus knew him better than anyone.

"Hey, is everything alright? What's going on?" the mirth is now replaced with worry and while John shakes his head at first Gus is not letting up and suddenly the weeks of worry and turmoil and guilt start pouring out of him. Gus first looks dumfounded, horrified and then his face becomes a mask of resolve as he let John unload everything. From the number of refugees the Struckers, how the kids powers were extraordinary but the parents painfully ordinary that it was tripping them up, to Lorna and Marcus being pregnant, with Marcos being back in with the cartel and Lorna ready for battle this very minute; plus seeing Pulse alive, feeling guilt because Sonia was still very into what they had while all he felt was the comfort of the familiar and Clarice. Meeting her, the memory and now the fallout.

He should be embarrassed, John thinks, here he is with seven of his fellow marines, each with big problems of their own and he is prattling on about too many refugees and feelings. But Gus must have seen his self-deprecation on his face cause he kicks John with his steal leg.

"Hey, stop that! There is nothing to feel embarrassed about. I'm your brother remember? Once a marine, always a marine. Besides, if you don't tell me who will you tell? Honestly John what you're going through is more than most people go through in a lifetime. I don't know how you haven't just walked away" Gus says with a shake of his head and suddenly John is back at that dusty warehouse with Emerald eyes peering at him from beneath thick lashes asking the same question. He had felt so warm in that small room. It had just been the two of them for that moment, the world; Sonia sentinel services all had felt worlds away. He wouldn't have minded staying in there with her forever.

"She asked you that didn't she?" Gus question brings him back to now and John looks at him muddled. Gus chuckles and shakes his head before looking up in disbelief.

"God you probably don't even know the look you get every time she's on your mind, do you?" and John groans in frustration; he really could do without the teasing right now and Gus laughs again.

"Alright, alright, I'll give it a rest you hard head but listen to me for a second" there is a serious tone in his voice that John rarely hear from Gus and it has him turning to fully look at Gus.

"This is not just your war. It is all of ours, mutant, human, man, women, old and young. You are a leader, sure, and it sucks; but you have an army that you need to trust to have your back because they all trust you to lead them. But that's just battle. Outside of that world people will make their own choice, their own judgment and that is not on you. You're job is to keep them safe under your roof and to give them the best chance on the battlefield. But John, this path is a hard one for anyone don't make it a lonely one too." Gus's words lifts something off of John and suddenly he feels empty, like he's floating and his muscles feel too heavy for his body.

"How? How can I, condemn, anyone else to this life. They'll be a target just because of me. If I, _care_ about them how can I put them through that"

"It's a war, John. We're all dead men walking"

It's Regan, the only female marine of their platoon. She and her husband, Dean had been a staple in their volunteer group for years now and she always gave John flack for having "a super hero complex" as she called it.

"Thanks for accepting our invitation to join the conversation" Gus deadpans and Regan gives him a one-finger salute in response without a beat.

"Please its not like we all haven't imagined worst scenarios every damn time this one goes radio silence for too long" and her sharp gaze locks on John and he wonders for the millionth time how it is that he feels like a kids brother with his hand in the cookie jar when Regan, who is a foot shorter than him, stares him down with her onyx eyes.

"You have people that care about you. And you're not the only one who'd be hurt if we loose someone. Frankly its comforting to know that despite all this craziness your biggest problem is girl problems." And John now does grown because that's all he needs, flack for his mess with Clarice.

If he was honest though, he knows she's right. It is nice to have his group around him like this. Sure they're in deep shit here waiting, praying for sentinel services to move past this area, so they can make a move to a safer location; but its comforting to know his team is still the same. It takes him back to his last tour, camping in the dessert late at night as the sand dunes dances with each passing of the wind, the sky lit up with millions of stars that twinkled on off for hours only to fade into the dusty morning sky all the while they had sat and dreamt about ordinary lives miles away. But ordinary had not been their destiny not even years later not even when they had come home.

"How and I mean how could you be so stupid? Your ex messes with someone, your new girl's head and rather than reverse it right away; you go for the ride?"

"It wasn't like that" John grits out in exasperated defeat "It was an emergency"  
"Ok, so why didn't she take the memory out right away. Or tell her right away. You know this John. Decency matters most when we are under pressure. Rights matter when the world is going to hell. We are fighting monsters John and if we're not careful we'll become them"

"I Know!" John repeats in frustration, feeling thoroughly chastised "But Sonia-"

"Sonia nothing that bitch looks at you like the sun and the moon rise and set out of your ass. She's too fatal attraction honestly and you just go with it because you're half guilty and she's familiar. You don't need a princess looking to be rescued, who's so blinded by you that they'll take the easiest rout because all they'll see is you. You, you need a partner who'll have your six no matter what. Who'll hold you accountable and who'll let you hold them accountable. Someone who is strong enough that you don't spend every minute of the day worrying if they are crumbling or not. Someone who'll fight the fight with you, not for you."

"Oh, is that what you did? Is that why your husband is always with you on every mission? Plus you've never even met Clarice" It's a weak jab but its all he has right now and the fact that Regan looks at him with sad eyes, like he's missing the whole point, only serves to make him feel more a kid.

"He's with me because we make each other better. And I don't have to meet her to know that she's got to be hell of a woman to have the almighty John 'Thunderbird' Proudstar thinking about anything else but the mission and the x-man for one second. This isn't about her, it's about you. You know what I think? I think you were worried that Clarice would just leave."

"Of course! I- was we needed her help-"

"No you were worried she'll leave you. That without the memory she wouldn't be interested in you. You got scared John. Its ok. It happens to the best of us but get your head out of your ass. You're so good at fighting for everyone else. Figure out if this Clarice chick is what you want and if she is fight for your happiness." There is a pause and Gus lets out a long whistle.

"That's some Yoda shit right there Proudstar, take some damn notes"

"Like to see you try to do any better tin-man" Regan throws the jab right back and the bickering intensifies although John knows that they are trying to keep the tension moving and it works because their voices drain out all other thoughts from his head when suddenly there is a loud boom followed by a massive tremor.

There is an explosion that rocks the whole building and debris begins to fall from all corners and John knows that pulse must be in the vicinity cause he heard nothing. Saw nothing.

The group of them scramble as fast as they can toward the exit but the stairs crumble in front of them and the shaking is so bad that they're all brought to their knees as the walls and ceiling begins to crumble around them and something hard hits him in the head and he can actually feel pain like nothing he has felt before. His vision, his ever clear vision begins to swim as the voices begin to be farther and farther away. He cant help but think that here it is, the end.

"TAKE COVER" someone shouts as the group of them begins to duck and

Because he has no more will left and although he wants so much still from life he's body feels too heavy. He's exhausted and every time he tries to help he fails, with his underground compound, with pulse, with brothers in combat, with Clarice.

Suddenly the pain stops and there a rush of strength back into his muscles but his throbs and he still cant really hear anything and his vision is going in and out and is extremely blurry and he fills miles away.

There's a purple light and god he's gone for sure because there is no way she's here but then he sees her face and its so filled with concern and worry and he feels warm hands encompass his shoulders as though she's trying to shake him or something. She's worried, scared and that fact registers in his mind and all he knows now is that they need to leave. The smallest movement makes him more nauseous than he has ever been befor but despite the worst pain he had ever experienced in his life he uses the last of his will to get himself up. He's dimly aware that something is propping him up on either side but there's a change in pressure, more ground shaking and then silence as he feels himself going down and landing on something soft. There's a cool hand on his cheek and it takes way more effort than it should for him to open his eyes,

"John! John! Hold on John! Stay with me! Just stay with me!" and there is such desperation in that plea that he physically aches to do something that would have her stop feeling this pain. He tries to speak, to assure her, to pull her closer so that maybe she would see that he's ok. But his body is not acting right and even with all effort, all he manages to do is to focus his gaze on her for a moment; helpless to comfort her anymore as he sees Clarice's tear filled gaze peering down at him. He tries to speak but he feels his grasp on reality slip as Clarice's voice follows him into the darkness.

 **AN: Hello! So here is second to last chapter and I promise next chapter will be of the two of them together. I am trying to post it as fast I can, I love these two together but for some reason I cant pin them together in a scene yet. I've written and re-written so many versions and unfortunately there is so little that has been explored about them and how they may truly feel about each other that I'm flying far more blind than I'm used to. So I'm opening it to you, give me your thoughts please; what is it that makes them, as a couple, special? What about them, their relationship, should I try to capture that is the most important.**


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